


It's Okay (Only Words Bleed)

by blinking_post



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: Angst?, He's most selfish about Yuto, Hints of Jealous!Yamada, Hints of Possessive!Yamada, M/M, Romance, Yamada is Selfish, hints of an unhealthy relationship?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-16
Updated: 2016-05-16
Packaged: 2018-06-08 18:16:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6868144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blinking_post/pseuds/blinking_post
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>It starts again in his head.</i>
</p><p>I hate you.</p><p>
  <i>“Do you mean that?” Yuto had asked a beat after, voice low and tiny, sad and forlorn, defeated, shoulders hanging low.  He knew then he’d achieved what he’d meant to do.  He had wanted to maim and hurt and cut as deep as possible, and Yuto’s question only confirms how successful he was.  The boy was devastated.  “Ryosuke, do you hate me?”</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Okay (Only Words Bleed)

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Title inspired by Ed Sheeran's Photograph (if you didn't know already ^_^)
> 
> After completing several medium to long-ish fics for another fandom in quick succession I had decided to take a break and _actually_ take a break this time because I felt nurnt out. I spent a few weeks writing absolutely nothing, and I was slightly afraid that I might never feel inspired or motivated again. Which would be sad because I love YamaYuto/YutoYama a lot. So, finally feeling inspired after listening to Ed Sheeran's "Photograph" on repeat I was able to bang this out. It didn't fall together at first but after some major reworking I think I actually really like it now ^_^

\----

 

_I hate you._

 

Words he had muttered on his own.  That and Yuto’s face of devastation when he’d uttered them had echoed in his head the whole night.  Just when he thought he had forgotten them they would come swerving back to bite him like a slap to the face, hard and bitter like the chill of a winter wind.

 

Keito’s question -- _So Yuto needs to work around your schedule but you can’t work around Yuto’s because you have… work?  Like Yuto has work?_ \-- had filled him with shame because hidden within the question therein lied a truth he didn’t want to face quite yet.  The anger melted away like a receding shoreline during low tide.

 

He doesn’t remember much.  Doesn’t remember how it escalated so quickly from a nice quiet dinner in Yuto’s apartment to yelling and shouting and _I hate you_ and him slamming the door behind him as he left.  It had been building though, that much he knew.  Yuto was getting more work, more projects for himself outside of JUMP and that meant making more friends, spending time with other people.  That meant less time with him.

 

Selfish.  He’d always been selfish, that much he knew.  Before, Yuto would be the one waiting for him to call or send a text and say _Hey,_ _come over.  I’m free now._  But more and more often Yuto would answer his texts hours too late or not answer at all.  He’d be sitting at home staring at the phone, willing Yuto to reply and nothing.

 

Out with Suda.  Dinner with other actors.  Filming a program.  Meeting producers and directors possibly interested in casting him.  It became too much.  He felt it bubbling underneath his skin, simmering and simmering until he felt the only way he could have some decent time with Yuto alone was to lock him away in a tower somewhere so that no one could reach him.

 

He’s selfish.  Probably a little messed up too, he knows.  He just didn’t know how much.

 

It starts again in his head.

 

_I hate you._

 

“Do you mean that?” Yuto had asked a beat after, voice low and tiny, sad and forlorn, defeated, shoulders hanging low.  He knew then he’d achieved what he’d meant to do.  He had wanted to maim and hurt and cut as deep as possible, and Yuto’s question only confirms how successful he was.  The boy was devastated.  “Ryosuke, do you hate me?”

 

He hadn’t answered.  At least there’s that.  At least he hadn’t told Yuto _yes_ just to be vindictive, to twist the knife deep enough to leave a scar that would never fade.  Instead he had stomped out of Yuto’s apartment, blood pumping hot and fast in his veins, anger boiling him from the inside out, consuming him.

 

Home now, after spending most of his night out with Keito on one side, a drink on the other, feeling ashamed and guilty and _I’m so sorry I hurt you, Yuto_ after Keito had asked him that one single question, he scrolls through his messages once more.  He’d been too angry at first, to answer them.  And then after the anger dissipated and left in it’s void shame and guilt and regret, he had been too much of a coward.

 

_I hate you._

 

There goes those words again, ringing in his ears, taunting and haunting with no escape in sight.  He sighs to himself, runs a hand up his face and into his hair.  Finally, he reads them again -- the text messages -- one by one.

 

_Ryosuke, please answer me._

 

_Ryosuke, let’s talk about this._

 

_Ryosuke, let’s not end the night like this, okay?_

 

_Ryosuke, do you really hate me after all?_

 

_Ryosuke, it’s okay if you hurt me._

 

_Ryosuke, I can never hate you._

 

Ryosuke.  Ryosuke Ryosuke _Ryosuke_.  One after another.

 

_Ryosuke, I still love you._

 

That last one almost broke him.

 

It breaks him now.  He presses the call button before he can run away again, one hand clutching his hair, the other his phone, as the phone rings and rings and rings.  Nothing.  Yuto won’t pick up.  He tries again.  He has to make it right, even if it’s half past four in the morning.  He treads to his bedroom as he waits and then he hears it, just a few steps away from the open door, an unmistakable light buzzing emanating from his room.

 

 _Yuto_ , his mind whispers to him.  Asleep and dead to the world, phone buzzing next to his head, Yamada takes careful steps towards him.  He disconnects the phone but sees there, on Yuto’s phone, for barely half a second a picture of the two of them before it switches over to “one missed call.”  Curious, he picks up Yuto’s phone, calls it with his own, and watches the picture flash up once more.  It’s the two of them taken by someone else -- probably Keito -- both sitting, Yuto’s side facing the camera, forehead on Yamada’s shoulder, a smile on his mouth.  Yamada had his own head turned towards Yuto, nose in Yuto’s jet black hair, arms crossed.  He had looked down at Yuto out of the corner of his eyes, a fond curl to his lips, bright sunlight a glow behind the two of them.

 

He remembers this moment.  He remembers how he had felt ready to burst with happiness when they’d shared what he thought had been a private moment away from all the chaos of their group.  Evidently not if it’s on Yuto’s phone now.  He remembers how his heart had throbbed too, at having Yuto so close, beating heavily in its cage, ready to leap out of his chest and into Yuto’s hands.  All he had to do was ask.

 

Before, it had been _I hate you._

 

Now, only _Yuto._

 

_Yuto, I’m sorry, do you know that?_

 

_Yuto, I’m selfish, but I’m most selfish about you, do you know that?_

 

Even deeper still: _Yuto, I’m afraid you’ll keep meeting new people and leave me behind, do you know that?_

 

_Yuto, I can’t ever hate you either, do you know that?_

 

_Yuto, I love you so much it scares me, do you know that?_

 

 _Yuto, I will_ always _love you that much, do you know that?_

 

He stares at Yuto’s phone, at the two of them until the buzzing stops, until Yuto’s phone sends his end to voicemail.  He sets both phones down on his nightstand and crawls into bed next to Yuto without bothering to take off his clothes.  Yuto, dressed in all white.  Yamada, dressed in all black.  He observes the frown on Yuto’s forehead as his brows furrow.  He sees the dark circles lining Yuto’s eyes.  He runs a finger along the jut of his collarbone.  Yuto has lost weight.  He looks exhausted.  More guilt pricks at him.

 

Slowly he lowers his head, presses an ear against Yuto’s chest.  Yuto has a strong heartbeat.  Steady.  Powerful.  One.  Two.  One.  Two.  It lulls him to sleep and he swears he can hear their hearts synchronize.  Suddenly Yuto shifts and registers the weight half on top of him.  Yamada hears him lift his head up, confused, but he doesn’t move, doesn’t say anything, and then a sigh as Yuto’s head plops back down.

 

A beat passes and Yuto shifts again, one arm moving up to rub his eyes before it drops back down again, the other curling around Yamada’s shoulder as his breath begins to even out again.

 

Softly, without moving, without opening his eyes, he hears himself say, “I’m sorry I hurt you.”

 

Yuto squeezes his shoulder.  “It’s okay if you hurt me,” he mumbles out.  “I still love you.”

 

He smiles into Yuto’s chest.  “I love you, too.  Do you know that?”

 

Yuto shifts again, answers him by pressing a gentle kiss against Yamada’s forehead.

 

\----

**Author's Note:**

> There you go. Short and sweet. (Or maybe not so sweet?)
> 
> I do have about two YamaYuto fics I'm writing for off and on. They're long fics though, so I'm not sure when they fill finish but I'm looking forward to sharing them.
> 
> Anyhow, I hope that you enjoyed reading this. As always, comments and kudos are wonderful ^_^.


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